Do you feel like there is a significant person in your life with whom you just keep going round and round in circles? Maybe you feel like whatever you do or say, you can’t win, and nothing seems to change?
If so, you may be stuck in a drama triangle. The drama triangle describes some pretty simple, but I think very common, roles we can adopt in relationships. Let me start off with a fictional conversation.
Person A: “I’m so stressed out right now. I have way too much work on, and I just can’t see a way of getting it all done?”
Person B. “Maybe you should delegate some of your work to other colleagues, or talk to your boss about it?”
Person A: [in a defensive tone] Are you kidding me? Everyone else is really busy too, and I don’t want to look incapable in front of my boss! You just don’t understand.
Person B: [also in a defensive tone] Sorry, I was only trying to help.
In this example, the two people are moving between different roles on the drama triangle.
Drama triangle
Partner A started out playing the role of the ‘victim’, feeling sorry for themselves and all the work they had. Person B immediately responded to this by playing the role of ‘rescuer’, offering advice in order to rescue them from their victimhood. However, Person A then responded to this by shifting to the role of ‘persecutor’, rejecting Person B’s advice and accusing them of not understanding. Finally, Person B also shifts to the role of ‘persecutor’, feeling annoyed at Person A for not appreciating that they were only trying to help. As long as both people stay in roles on this drama triangle, they will continue to feel misunderstood and unheard by each other. So, what needs to change?
The key issue here is responsibility. What might the conversation look like if both people were thinking about responsibility.
Person A: “I’m so stressed out right now. I have taken on way too much work, I don’t know how I am going to deal with it all?”
Person B: “That sounds tough. You must be feeling under pressure if you have taken on more work than you can deal with. Is there anyone at work you can talk to about it?”
Person A: “Yes, I feel under a lot of pressure to say yes to my boss. The problem is, everyone else at work seems busy too. I do need to talk to my boss though, could we talk about how I do that without looking incapable?
Person B: Of course.
In this example, the two people are moving between similar but slightly different roles on the winner’s triangle (not a term I am that fond of, I prefer to think of it as a less dramatic triangle), where they have taken a healthier attitude to responsibility.
Winners triangle
Person A is no longer playing the role of the victim. Instead, they are admitting to being vulnerable, but also self-aware enough to recognise their responsibility in taking on too much work. They are in the role of being ‘vulnerable’. Person B doesn’t immediately take full responsibility to rescue Person A by telling them what to do. Instead, they acknowledge the vulnerability of Person A, show they care, but leave the responsibility for solving the problem with Person A. They are in the role of ‘caring’. Person A responds by re-stating their vulnerable position, but instead of blaming Person B for not understanding, they take responsibility for getting their needs met. They explain why they can’t talk to people at work and state what they want from Person B. They are in the ‘assertive’ role.
Of course, conversations rarely go this smoothly, and you are only ever in control of your part of the conversation. However, it is very hard for another person to stay in the drama triangle with you if you refuse to play these roles. If someone is talking to you in the role of ‘victim’, make a conscious decision to not play the role of ‘rescuer’ or ‘persecutor’. Show you care, validate their experience, but don’t try and rescue them or get angry with them for refusing your advice. Give them space to take responsibility. Likewise, if someone is trying to ‘rescue’ you, and you are feeling like they are bossing you around, rather than get angry with them, think about what you actually want from them – is it just someone to listen to you – then tell them that is all you want.
Accepting responsibility for ourselves, but also recognising the responsibility other people have for themselves, doesn’t mean we can’t be vulnerable and in need of support, and it doesn’t mean we can’t care for others. What is means is we can have relationships based on mutuality, not co-dependence, which means a lot less drama!